Mo Salah is the king of breakaway goals as top 10 revealed
Mo Salah is the only man with two entries in John Nicholson’s list; he is very good at running very fast towards goal.
Johnny Nic
We are in the Mikel Arteta at Arsenal endgame; the process has failed
Mikel Arteta has been an undoubted success as Arsenal manager but this will not be allowed to rumble on forever. History tells us that.
Ten incredible saves include De Gea heroics and Ramsdale brilliance v Liverpool
David de Gea really was phenomenal at Manchester United for a time. Aaron Ramsdale and Jordan Pickford have pulled off some belting saves before too.
Stop genuflecting in front of glorified games teachers like Klopp and Arteta
Your football club’s manager is not your dad. Or a God. He’s just a bloke paid to put out some cones, says John Nicholson.
VAR is altering results and helping get managers sacked – enough is enough
Johnny Nic has been banging the drum against VAR for years and thing are only getting worse. Erik ten Hag would probably join the chorus now.
Ten failed goal celebrations include Robben, Dortmund and Batshuayi’s England embarrassment
A botched Arjen Robben knee slide, some Dortmund dancing and Michy Batshuayi smashing the ball into his own face are among the strangest goal celebrations.
Thomas Tuchel reaction shows how irrelevant newspapers have become
Who are these shallow, stupid, not-to-say bigoted stories actually for? The UK press is now like a rundown hotel battling to stay open…
Ten animals on the pitch include Ewood Park chicken and a rogue kangaroo
Football is boring for much of the time. The ball isn’t even in play for half an hour, so when an animal gets on the pitch it is worth the ...
Johnny Nich: England for the English manager; anything else is just ‘cheating’
Our John Nicholson believes that an England team should have an English manager, but not in a Daily Mail kind of way.
Cole Palmer and co. propped up and flattered by English exceptionalism
A tedious win against a minor side and a hapless loss. As ever, about par for England. These players are not world-beaters.
Ten phenomenal last-ditch tackles, including ‘crouching tiger’ Van Dijk’s perfect timing
Virgil van Dijk, Phil Jones and James Tomkins surely have a group chat discussing the art of the last-ditch tackle. Spurs should probably try to avoid them.
Football is selfish, weird and abusive on workers’ rights; ask Lassana Diarra
Footballers are men and women, not chattels or assets, though they are treated as such by clubs and agents. It’s barbaric, says John Nicholson.
Welcome to the exhibition Premier League, where anyone can beat anyone else but almost never does
‘Anyone can beat anyone else in the Premier League’ is fine marketing spiel but also provable nonsense when five teams have no wins from six games.
Ten iconic pitch invaders include Ronaldo undresser, England impostor and *that* Everton protestor
The woke police and Cristiano Ronaldo will say pitch invasion is not something which should be celebrated in football, but it has spawned some great moments.
Chelsea offer football as entertainment and nothing else; is that okay?
In an all-too-real way, Chelsea might be an early example of the future. They are a batsh*t club but they are winning football matches.
Do FA have balls to defy UEFA and their ‘corporate brothel’?
UEFA threatening the FA for trying to regulate football is absurd and John Nicholson is predictably angry.
Ten acts of footballing fury include Barclaysmen teammates fighting and Antony anger
As the Premier League returns, let’s look at some real moments of fury on the pitch. You don’t want to see that? Of course we do…
Carsley anthem anger is ‘stupidity for consumption by the stupidocracy’
Our Johnny Nic is very, very angry at the confected anger about Lee Carsley not singing his allegiance to the royal family.
Old Trafford was ‘almost embarrassingly silent’ but Sky insist on selling Man Utd v Liverpool as must-watch
Trust Sky Sports to oversell a game and pretend it will be 90 minutes of action. Manchester United v Liverpool was a masterclass in selling sh*t as sugar.
The Premier League: boring, over-hyped, self-satisfied, predictable and often just quite simply bad
It’s fair to say the opening two weekends of the new Premier League season have not left Johnny Nic overly impressed with what he’s seen.
I had a stroke but the magnetic power of football helped hold my life together
Our Johnny has written a book about his experiences of having a stroke. Football helped save him, hence why he rallies against the big money and corporate values.
Ten of the worst shots ever, including David Luiz, Fred and two bona fide Premier League legends
Manchester United are represented twice on this list of the worst shots by an elite-level professional footballer ever. Cristiano Ronaldo cannot complain.
Ten proper volleys, including Manchester United title winner clincher and Zidane magic
After the admin of clearing up precisely what constitutes a ‘proper volley’, it is time to marvel at Manchester United’s title winner and the Zidane swivel.
Disband the PGMOL; the new version of VAR is even worse than the last
The tedious farce of VAR continues to soil an ever-dysfunctional and uninteresting product: The Premier League.
‘The best league in the world’ has backed itself into a financial corner and cannot fix broken model
Premier League executives cannot maintain the idea of competition if the same teams finish in the same places. But removing those sides eliminates the money
The stupid thuggishness of summer riots will be calmed by Valium of football
Football will be the Valium that calms this rage. That or the rain. But remember that none of this is new.
Steven Gerrard obviously leads list of worst mistakes leading to a goal, including Van Dijk
The Steven Gerrard slip against Chelsea is obviously first up but he is far from alone in making a monumental individal error leading to a goal.
Why do Team GB not have a men’s football team at the Olympics? Because of sweet FA…
There is no reason for the English, Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish FAs to treat the idea of a GB men’s football team at the Olympics with such suspicion.
Remembering 10 of the most unusual red cards ever shown in the Premier League
We’re not interested in a red card for a slightly late challenge here; we want unusual red cards that had us all chorusing ‘did you see that?’
The Premier League is like Budweiser: Gassy, hollow and soulless
Do we already know what the Premier League top six will be? Is the top flight a sealed league for the big clubs?
Scotland ‘saved from an England win’; that’s not racist, it’s rational
Scotland has been either ignored or exploited by England for years so don’t get upset when they support Anyone but England.
Ten of the most outrageous free-kicks features the time Cristiano Ronaldo actually scored one
Come right this way for your Beckhams, your Cristiano Ronaldos back when he could take the odd free-kick, and most importantly your Juninho Pernambucanos.
Is Gareth Southgate ‘too liberal, wet and ghastly’ for you? He wins England games
Gareth Southgate is the best manager England have ever had. That’s just counting, says John Nicholson. And there are no points for aesthetics.