England for the GERMAN; we’re now Thomas Tuchel evangelists

It took just one glance at the egregious back page of the Daily Mail to render us utterly over-invested in the concept of Thomas Tuchel, England manager. We had entirely expected the anti-foreign rhetoric but the capitalisation of the word GERMAN had a physical effect, a lurching in the stomach at this near-daily reminder that England is home to uncomfortable numbers of awful, awful people.

On Tuesday morning we were mildly invested in the flawed but undeniably intriguing concept of the dour former Chelsea tactician being in charge of a flawed but undeniably intriguing England squad; by Tuesday night we were evangelical. Let him wear lederhosen. No, make them all wear lederhosen! Merge the flags. What’s ‘God Save the King’ in German? Stitch it into the kit right next to a rainbow flag.

The irony is that the ‘England for the English’ uber-patriots in the right-wing media will now be desperately hoping for England’s failure, greedy for any German misstep. Will he be seen without a poppy? Will he accidentally speak in German? Will he dare to somehow not win the World Cup to end 60 years of hurt?

And those of us who would never wave an England flag, never wear an England shirt and who stay as silent through God Save the King as we do through the Lord’s Prayer, are now desperate for England’s success. As Peter Shilton is rolled out to tell us that only an Englishman could have inspired him to outjump a tiny man, we are scrawling ‘Krumbach’ through the red of a St. George’s flag.

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There is an argument that international football should pitch nation against nation in terms of both coaches and players, but scratch beneath the surface and most with that view have no problem with white men in charge of African teams. Or Steve McClaren desperately trying not to adopt a Jamaican accent.

If England win with a German in charge, will England have cheated? Will it mean less? We can all remember how hollow it felt when England’s women became European champions with a Dutchwoman in charge. And how Super Saturday at the 2012 Olympics was tainted by the UK Athletics head coach also being more than a bit foreign.

But there’s no room for such levity when you are capitalising the word GERMAN almost 80 years after the end of the war. Though we wonder if there would have been the same reaction if the new England manager had been Jurgen Klopp, undeniably also GERMAN but somehow excused his nationality because he ‘gets it’. Basically scouse, isn’t he?

Praising the FA is as uncomfortable as lauding FIFA but this is an undeniably brave and ambitious move; right up until the second that the Tuchel rumours solidified, we suspected that the usually craven FA would find a way to appoint Lee Carsley anyway. Or that they would default to Graham Potter because he is a) available and b) English.

Instead, you can clearly see the line of ambition, from Klopp and Pep Guardiola to another coach who excelled in the Premier League. And it absolutely makes sense. Having narrowly failed with a limited tactician who was a better diplomat than coach, it’s time to see if this supremely talented group of players can be turned into genuine contenders by a details man. The culture fostered by Gareth Southgate will not disintegrate in 18 months. The players will not retreat back into childish cliques just because the teacher has left the room.

Some will paint this as ‘win or bust’ for the FA but that is ludicrous, wilfully misunderstanding the concept of international football and its cycle of a major tournament every two years. England will not go into the 2026 World Cup as favourites and nor should they be. But they absolutely should go in with the belief that they can match any of the teams that rightfully are.

To the FA’s credit, they have acknowledged that flailing their way to the Euro 2024 final does not make that tournament a success. The football was rotten, which was hardly surprising as the coach was still experimenting with his midfield as late as the round of 16. England won just one of their last 12 games under Southgate; Tuchel will inherit the worst of European finalists.

And he will also inherit a press that is largely already salivating at his failure. Good luck Thomas; you are now our favourite GERMAN.