Crystal Palace are a sickly patient – time for a house call from Dr Tottenham
Crystal Palace are a team in urgent need of a pick-me-up. Having ended last season in sparkling form with six wins and a draw in their last seven games, they have managed only three draws in their first eight games of this campaign.
They have one more chance to ensure their wait for a first win of the season doesn’t extend all the way into November, while the genuinely exciting and progressive decision to appoint Oliver Glasner – one that reaped such dividends and showed such promise at the back end of last season – is already being called into question with David Moyes’ name now starting to haunt the corridors at Selhurst Park.
As a retrograde step it would surely trump even giving Roy Hodgson another go, but if the prospect of a relegation fight grows ever more real then who knows what panicked decisions might be made to try and right the ship.
But wait, it’s not all doom and gloom. Not at all. Because that one last chance offered by October for a Premier League win comes against Dr Tottenham, a physician who can cure almost all ills.
Brighton have already felt the rejuvenating effect of a visit from the good doctor, and maybe Palace can be next. They tick a lot of boxes for a textbook Dr Tottenham miracle cure.
Palace are, most obviously, without a win. Tick. But they also have a former Arsenal striker who is yet to score a goal (tick, tick) and a creative spark struggling to recapture his best form and who Spurs were desperate to sign in the summer (tick, tick, tick).
Frankly if this doesn’t end in a 1-0 Palace win after Eddie Nketiah converts a 93rd-minute chance created by Eberechi Eze, we will be astonished.
And if you doubt the doctor’s efficacy, here’s a few other examples of their notable success stories from recent seasons.
Wolves 1-0 Dr Tottenham (2022/23)
Spurs had won four of their last five – including wins over Manchester City and Chelsea – before visiting sickly Wolves. They were without a win in their previous four games but the remedy was at hand thanks to the rejuvenating effects of the good doctor.
Wolves had no shots in the first half and Spurs hit the post through Pedro Porro. Son Heung-min hit the bar after the break as Spurs continued to dominate.
But Wolves boss Julen Lopetegui sensed the Doctor making a visit and knew just how to help it along: bring on a couple of players previously linked with Spurs to change the game. On came Adama Traore and Joao Moutinho, with the former crashing home the winner late on.
In many ways the archetypal visit from the selfless Good Doctor. A player linked with Spurs scoring the winner in a result that can be described as ‘easing relegation fears’ for the grateful patient while ‘dealing a blow to Spurs’ hopes of a top-four finish’.
READ: Spurs are the best and worst of football teams; is that enough for the fans?
Leeds 3-1 Dr Tottenham (2020/21)
A slightly different game, this one, but a good example of how wide-ranging the Doctor’s effects can be. Spurs were in the middle of a run of four wins in six Premier League games having rid themselves of a disease thanks to successful Mourinhoectomy surgery but were still not above helping others. That’s just the kind of great guys they are.
Leeds had enjoyed a fine return to the Premier League but were starting to feel the effects of their endeavours. They were under the weather, their free-scoring touch having abandoned them in a run of three games without a win and only a single goal scored.
They managed double that in the first half alone on their way to a 3-1 win that had such a reinvigorating effect they would go on to win their three remaining games of the season 4-0, 2-0 and 3-1. Thanks, Doc!
Dr Tottenham 0-1 Newcastle (2019/20)
A good example of a couple of things this one. First, that the doctor doesn’t just do house calls. Unlike actual doctors these days, you can sometimes get an appointment at their own surgery. You don’t have to deal with receptionists whose mission in life is to guard the appointments with ferocity matched only by the way bus drivers protect a five-pound note, but you do have to rely a bit on the quirks of the fixture computer. It’s still a better system than the one we have in the real world anyway.
Steve Bruce’s Newcastle had started the 2019/20 season with a pair of defeats, the second of which – a 3-1 beating at Norwich – had prompted widespread concern. Spurs, meanwhile had beaten Aston Villa and snaffled one of those improbable draws against Man City at the Etihad of which they remain so rightly fond – before generously handing all three points to a side whose need was so clearly greater.
Sheffield United 3-1 Dr Tottenham (2019/20)
Similar case notes as the Leeds game here, with a visit from Spurs the ideal prescription for a side just starting to feel the pace after a successful but tiring return to the top flight. For the Blades it had been three games without a goal at all before a nice, comfy 3-1 win at Bramall Lane set them on a run of 10 points from four games that would include a 3-0 win over Chelsea.
As with Leeds, alas, the doctor could do only so much for a patient whose underlying conditions proved too much the following year.
West Brom 1-0 Dr Tottenham (2017/18)
Not even the Doctor could save West Brom in 2017/18, but nobody could have done more to try and save such a sickly patient. They allowed the Baggies at point at Wembley early in the season, but gave them all three at the Hawthorns in May.
Spurs were then on a run of two league defeats in 21 games, and both of those defeats had come against Man City. West Brom had won three Premier League games since August, when they had wildly started the season with a pair of wins.
West Brom not only won the game, of course, but ticked another couple of solid Dr Tottenham boxes along the way. The winning goal came in the 92nd minute and was scored by former Spurs player Jake Livermore to keep the Baggies’ survival hopes alive into the final weekend. Alas, they couldn’t have another game against Spurs to finish their campaign. That wouldn’t work.