Amorim and his imminent Man Utd unveiling open rifts in the very concept of time itself

Editor F365 30 Oct 2024 12:09 PM

Ruben Amorim, Man Utd manager-in-waiting

An unsurprisingly Ruben Amorim-dominated Mediawatch sees new levels of headline mischief-making and questions asked of our most basic understanding of the flow of time.

As and when
Mediawatch has long been fascinated by the awesome power of the humble conjunction ‘as’ in the hands of the unscrupulous headline writer and, while we’ve been burned before by underestimating just how far these people can sink, we think it may now at last have assumed its final form.

Behold this absolute masterpiece of housery from – surprise, surprise – the Mirror Online.

Ruben Amorim pictured at Man Utd as Sporting Lisbon boss closes on Old Trafford job

We’ll skate right on past still calling them ‘Sporting Lisbon’ in big 2024 and get to the juicy bits.

It’s obvious what the Mirror want you to think here. That Amorim has been spotted at Manchester United to finalise the details before his arrival as the new manager is confirmed. The Mirror obviously never say that, because it’s not true, but we all see what’s being implied here, yes?

Instead, with magnificently affected cod innocence, the Mirror indulges in a lengthy attempt to justify the idea that Amorim having his photo taken at the Carrington training complex with a previous Manchester United manager represents justifiable actual news and not just a thing that allows them to utilise that specifically misleading headline.

Just as an idea of how very long ago Amorim was actually ‘pictured at Man Utd’, the manager in question is a) Jose Mourinho and b) smiling.

This fateful act in fact occurred in the spring of 2018. So it was six-and-a-half years ago.

How heart-breaking for all concerned that reasons of space meant there was simply no way to squeeze ‘in 2018’ anywhere in that headline.

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Close
Elsewhere, the Mirror give us this headline-intro one-two punch.

Headline…

Ruben Amorim confirms how close he is to becoming Man Utd boss after official statement

Intro…

Ruben Amorim insisted he has yet to make a final decision on whether he will leave Sporting Lisbon for Manchester United.

Almost like he didn’t confirm a damn thing. But let’s see the quotes themselves, shall we.

“Nothing is decided yet… I don’t know if it’s the farewell game or not.

“Nobody knows if it was a farewell match or if there will be a farewell. It’s a matter that hasn’t been decided yet.”

Look, we’re none of us daft, are we? We all know it’s very, very likely Amorim will be the next Manchester United manager, and probably very soon. But let’s not pretend those post-match quotes confirmed anything at all.

Act one
When not bending the English language to their ungodly will, the Mirror are also now to be found meddling with forces perhaps more dangerous still. Because, according to this headline, they’ve now got time travel cracked as well.

Ruben Amorim’s first act as Man Utd boss shows exactly what INEOS are planning

Mediawatch genuinely stopped for a moment and thought we’d missed an official announcement while looking up definitions of the word ‘as’ to try and find the one that reads ‘a conjunction used to indicate that something happens during the time when something else is taking place, or six years apart if there’s a sh*thouse headline in it’.

As for the nuts and bolts of this ‘first act’ which still hasn’t actually happened, because we’ve double-checked and he definitely still isn’t Manchester United manager just yet, it’s ‘bringing some of his own backroom staff with him’, which is definitely hugely revealing and not at all a thing pretty much all managers do.

Beyond the fact it ‘doesn’t bode well’ for the current backroom staff, the Mirror themselves don’t seem entirely certain about just how much deep-level INEOS planning this reveals in such great detail.

Ahead of his time
Grudging respect, we suppose, to talkSPORT for at least paying some heed to the accepted flow of the passage of time here.

Time to get excited Man United fans. 🤩 pic.twitter.com/ZuBMYEv4gq

— talkSPORT (@talkSPORT) October 30, 2024

Saying something in 2022 definitely qualifies as ‘ahead’ of what’s happening in late 2024 after all.

Now we just need to get to the bottom of ‘alikens’.

Tray of light
One way we do know that Amorim is the next man at United is that one of the key formalities of any managerial appointment has already been thoroughly accounted for.

Ruben Amorim’s Man Utd in-tray with top target facing 5 issues he must instantly solve – Daily Mirror

Ruben Amorim’s Manchester United in-tray as huge opportunity knocks amid clear problems – Manchester Evening News

In Tray facing new Man Utd boss as club move closer to securing Ruben Amorim – The Independent

What’s in Ruben Amorim’s in-tray at Manchester United? – 101greatgoals

We can’t even be bothered to look, but will instead just go ahead and assume that ‘getting Old Trafford rocking again’ and/or restoring it to ‘a fortress’ feature prominently in all these overflowing yet entirely hypothetical in-trays.

The world is not enough
Quite a depressingly fun piece from The Sun about the ‘curse’ of the 2018/19 Ajax team in the wake of Erik Ten Hag’s Man United demise.

They were undoubtedly the talk of Europe that season and there’s no question the ensuing struggles of Ten Hag and a great many of his players after making their big moves around Europe is a tale worth telling, but let’s not lose the entire run of ourselves.