A step-by-step guide to show Harry Kane has actually scored precisely zero proper goals for England
Harry Kane having 68 England goals would indicate that he’s good. That won’t do, so here’s how none of those goals actually count.
Articles By Dave Tickner
Harry Kane race almost (slowly) run but who can replace him for England?
Harry Kane is about to win his 100th England cap but how many more can he win playing so ponderously? And who replaces him anyway?
Rice response confirms not celebrating goals is worse than not singing national anthems
If Declan Rice doesn’t celebrate goals, he can’t expect to play for England. Turns out muted celebrations are our ‘not singing the national anthem’.
Five other struggling Premier League managers grateful Ten Hag is taking all the heat
Manchester United are the season’s first crisis club, Erik ten Hag the first Beleaguered Manager. There are a few others lucky to dodge that spotlight.
REVEALED: Erling Haaland has still actually scored zero proper goals for Manchester City
If there’s a better use of an international break than finding reasons why all 97 of Erling Haaland’s Man City goals don’t count, we can’t think of it.
Premier League winners and losers brings the Ten Hag sack chat, Liverpool praise and Everton despair
Liverpool were great, Manchester United were terrible, and Manchester City are already threatening to be more crushingly unstoppably relentless than ever before.
Haaland hammers back-to-back hat-tricks, breaking records and maybe the league itself
Erling Haaland has scored seven goals already this season, more on his own than every other team in the Premier League. It is all quite mad.
F365’s 3pm Blackout: Everton find new ways to torture their fans while others ponder transfer choices
Everton have done something that is incredibly Everton, even by their own sky-high standards, while there’s several pennies for Ivan Toney’s thoughts.
Chelsea inevitably lead the way with Liverpool and Newcastle also among transfer window losers
Chelsea’s ridiculousness shows no sign of slowing down, while Newcastle and Liverpool are among those not to get done what they wanted to get done.
Sterling late move sees him join Man Utd and West Ham among the transfer window winners
Man United remain a long way from being back, but ignore all the other nonsense it does look on paper like a very decent transfer window. Same for West Ham. ...
Man Utd move for Raheem Sterling but Juventus still favourites to sign Chelsea outcast
Raheem Sterling is on his way out of Chelsea, but where to? Juventus? Man United? Fenerbahce for some reason? Or even somewhere sensible like Villa?
Premier League Winners and Losers accepts winning 6-2 is quite good and has views on Man Utd
Chelsea get some grudging credit where it’s due while the other half of Winners and Losers contains, inevitably, a great deal of Man United and Everton.
Slot’s Liverpool look an awful lot like Klopp’s Liverpool, and that’s a pretty solid strategy
Liverpool were comfy winners of Arne Slot’s first home Premier League game and any fears of a post-Klopp downturn already look misplaced.
‘Factual handball’ joins the ranks of VAR doublespeak as Bournemouth-Newcastle sparks to life late on
Bournemouth thought they’d snatched a late win against Newcastle before we all learned in real time that ‘factual handball’ is now a thing.
No sympathy for Enzo Maresca; he signed up for the Chelsea threshing machine
To sign for this club as a player or manager is now to become a willing human experiment; this is why Chelsea appointed Enzo Maresca.
Does Big Ange have the big Aussie balls to drop the now-droppable Son?
Spurs are ripe for kneejerk reactions after that effort at Leicester and we’ve got another one: it’s time to move on from Son Heung-min.
Ranking all 110(!) players left out of opening Premier League matchday squads by how p*ssed off they can be
Chelsea make up half the top 18 of this ranking of 110 Premier League players based on how annoyed they should be to have not even made the opening bench.
Sterling swapping treble-chasing Man City for Chelsea must rank among worst decisions ever
Raheem Sterling’s move from Manchester City to Chelsea must now be considered among the worst footballing decisions made by a player in the modern era.
Duran secures most predictable goal of the season award on day one as Villa win at West Ham
West Ham-Villa was the first game of the embryonic Premier League season that looked tough to call. Then Jhon Duran proved inevitable.
Arsenal get the job done while Brighton revel in summer sun – F365’s 3pm Blackout returns
The return of the Premier League means the return of the Blackout, with a title favourite getting the job done while summer specialists Brighton are at it again.
New Liverpool require some Old Liverpool style to finally subdue and overcome tenacious Ipswich
Liverpool flicked a switch in the second half to overpower Ipswich, for whom the good news is that far easier days are ahead. But not next week.
Solanke to Spurs a perfect transfer to sum up a club that could go either way this season
Dominic Solanke to Spurs is a transfer that fascinates specifically because we have no idea whether he or they will be great or rubbish.
Ranking the entire bloated Chelsea squad by how likely they are to be banished from training
Chelsea’s strategy of signing all the footballers and selling only some means they have no choice but to banish and we have no choice but to rank.
Man Utd win title with Arsenal Lynx disaster last – ranking all 24/25 Premier League away and third kits
There are some absolutely brilliant away and third kits in the Premier League for 2024/25, and then there are ones that look like bottles of Lynx Africa.
Survival, quadruples, completing trophy sets – a 24/25 season target for every Premier League club
We have given each of the 20 Premier League teams a target for the campaign ahead and we start with Arsenal, who need to produce a trophy.
Chelsea and Man Utd in bottom three: Ranking the Premier League pre-season moods
What’s the vibe like around the 20 Premier League clubs ahead of the new season, then? We’re not remotely convinced by Man Utd’s performative optimism.
Liverpool in ‘flop’ year, Arsenal second again, Martin sack: Early Premier League predictions
We know you’re all currently big canoe slalom and BMX fans but guys – the Premier League is back in a couple of weeks. We need to be ready.
Can Calafiori or AN Other join Rice among top 10 signings by Premier League runners-up?
Arsenal have made some very good signings in response to finishing second in the Premier League. They probably need another to finally topple Man City.
Chelsea’s divisively brilliant home kit tops our Premier League rankings with Liverpool last
The best home kit revealed for the 2024/25 Premier League season is either the very best or the absolute worst, while Crystal Palace get it just right.
Five early pre-season quirks: Spurs eschew defenders, no rest for Liverpool man, Arsenal unofficially strong
What does pre-season mean? Nothing much, really, and even less during the first week or so which is where we’re at. Does throw up some quirks, though.