Erik ten Hag has explained who to ‘blame’ for the ongoing Manchester United struggles but it is advised that you sit down before he drops those truth bombs.
The Sun miss the point on a story about Jens Lehmann, while Voldemort takes up residence on a Liverpool star’s neck and Raphael Varane is declared a flop.
Only Newcastle and Ipswich have somehow managed to avoid an entirely random Premier League points deduction, with everyone playing at least one extra game.
If you’re an Arsenal fan, you think they ‘have the measure of Man City’; if you support Liverpool you see it as a ‘fillip’.
Mo Salah has provided the biggest ‘hint’ yet over his Liverpool contract future, while David Raya’s double save has left one Sun bod all dazed and confused.
Man Utd are 10th but a corner is being turned with that 7-0 win over Barnsley, which also saw Erik ten Hag laughing and everything.
Alarming levels of absolute guff in Mediawatch today as Trent Alexander-Arnold and Rodri get stitched right up.
Ben White has main character energy for Arsenal, whose reaction to Erling Haaland ‘speaks volumes’ if you love those clicks.
Ben White is quite the master of dark arts; the Arsenal man shouted within the vicinity of a man he knows. And Sky Sports are covering up…
There is some nonsense about Arsenal threatening the ‘integrity’ of the Premier League, but first is the Cristiano Ronaldo-Erik ten Hag ‘war of words’.
Ronaldo has ‘cranked up the pressure’ on Erik ten Hag with his bitter ramblings; just wait until he realises who is next through the door.
As the football media tries to decide whether Lee Carsley is the Messiah or an Irish asset, it emerges that he has also pied off Ben White (he hasn’t).
‘Harry Kane should unite the country in adoration’, it says here. Who does? Some people are very much out of England touch.
Erik ten Hag lost AGAIN so that should be the end of him at Manchester United, while Virgil van Dijk has ‘broken silence’.
Some tiny minds have been blown by Lee Carsley’s decision not to sing the national anthem during his England tenure. He must be sacked immediately.
Chelsea have left Cole Palmer out of their Conference League squad and that really does make Arsenal look great. Somehow.
How dare those Ballon d’Or idiots fail to realise that Mo Salah and Alisson won the Carabao Cup? Or not…
The Sun have some fun with puns while a Liverpool midfielder is brutally cut down to size by his own national team manager.
Manchester United chiefs expressed their support for Erik ten Hag two whole games into the season. Welcome to the back pages…
Liverpool thrashed Manchester United but that was not enough. We have to pretend Gary Neville and Erik ten Hag said ‘bizarre’ and ‘remarkable’ things.
Liverpool know their Marc Guehi patience has paid off and they plan on ‘extracting greater value out of Crystal Palace…than Newcastle managed’.
The desperation for Liverpool transfer news is such that some are pretending that a ‘plan’ has been ‘hatched’ for Marc Guehi and there will be a ‘grandstand finish’.
Man Utd opened discussions with Chelsea AND agreed a fee for Ugarte? Did anybody even have time for lunch on such a crazy old day?
Manchester United have foolishly abandoned a fiendishly simple yet brilliant transfer wheeze from the Ferguson era, while there’s big Jurgen Klopp news.
Raheem Sterling is heading to Liverpool instead of Manchester United, who might be surprised to find themselves embroiled in the Jermaine Jenas stuff.
Think Raheem Sterling has been badly treated by Chelsea? Just wait to hear how they are ‘helping’ him find a new club…
The biggest story in town as the Premier League returns and transfer window rumbles on is some Manchester United players eating some food.
Liverpool have a Martin Zubimendi ‘lifeline’, while three words perfectly sum up their apparent continued pursuit of Newcastle forward Anthony Gordon.
You would think that Erling Haaland would be happy after scoring for Man City but he was busy ‘raging’ and being ‘brutal’ to Chelsea.
Some heroically bold season predictions catch Mediawatch’s eye today, while there’s a thrilling escape involving Jack Grealish and underground tunnels.
Manchester United have been dealt a crushing Marcus Rashford blow by an AI Supercomputer ahead of the start of the new Premier League season.
Liverpool sporting director Richard Hughes and owners FSG are ‘NOT to blame’ for failing to sign Martin Zubimendi or indeed anyone. He made a pinky promise.
Of course Liverpool never really properly wanted Martin Zubimendi. It was an ‘opportunist move’ and a ‘surprise’, plus they have their ‘own’ version anyway.